Praying hard that one day he will be insignificant to me...

11:07 PM

Yea...

My mum got me a NEW CAMERA today. =)

Went to Cindy's house this morning to watch movie with Cindy and Wahlim

We wanted to watch TAKEN initially but we ended watching DEJAVU becos the people in TAKEN started communicating in weird chinese accent.

Haha...i had no idea how to comment on DEJAVU.
Well...its nice but it had quite a number of loopholes...

But its nice to be with this group of friends...

at least i am spending some time with them now =)

Wahlim made me a super super super pretty notebook=)
With TAEMIN as the front cover ...
Omg, i think i am gonna stare at taemin's face non-stop when sch starts.

Its so sweet of her to make me this notebook becos i have been telling her that i want a notebook for my JC life next year :)

Look at that...its really pretty.

So i have decided not to procrastinate...
It makes me guilty when she puts in effort to do this for me while i am still holding back on making the gift for her...well. its laziness actually.

Work at essential was really fun today becos time passed quickly.

Other than some slight interruptions that stopped after a while, the rest was fine. =)

Had fun listening to BOSS (Ms sim) talk about her trip to BALI with Ms Poh.

Haha...their stay at the chalet ( they thought it was suppose to be some VILLA) was disastrous cause a fire broke out there twice.
but the way ms sim described it was damn funny...

They even lost their way while trying to find their VILLA/ Chalet.

Well...shall blog more about this tmr.

I want to go explore my new camera now =)

=) =) =) =) =)

9:29 AM

i am so sorry...i am really sorry.

but please let me say this for the last time.
i know i am irritating for posting about this for the past week.
I dont know why i am doing this anyway.

I promise i will nv mention any single thing about him ever again.
but there are really too much things that i cant control now.
I just cant stop crying...i just cant even when i tried really really really hard to stop thinking about him.

My aunt's illness
Parents
My Olevels results
Expectations from teachers
Him
Elisabeth
Friendship i cant hold on.

Everything is giving me pressure.
and i just need to cry my hearts out...

I noe i am to be blamed for many things.
There are some things that i cant explain to my friends becos they dun understand wat i meant but i am grateful and i always feel blessed for having them around me.

Please pardon me but i am not trying to seek for any sympathy.
dun think of me in that way.
I just...cant think of any methods to stop my tears now.
I guess i am helpless....

10:17 PM

My mum finally agree on buying the CAMERA.
Yeah!
But too bad, i had to use my own money.
Nvm..i am super fine with that as long she let me buy it. =)

Life as Essential was pretty ususal like always.
Ever since i heard a short humming sound in one of the classrooms upstairs one of the nights, i start to have this fear of going up by myself.
So i got Mrs Ong to accompany me today when i was moving all the paints upstairs...

Was doing painting last week consecutively for 3 days.
Had the back door painted with chocolatety brown...
Ms Poh told me that i had to reserve that "Bar of chocolate (door)" for her.
So i was telling her that i might see her teeth marks all over the door soon since she looks pretty tempted to eat up the door any time. =)
I also painted the walls of the back area and the front walls with SATIN (Ms sim and I insisted on calling it our PEARLIE WHITE).
Other than that...i painted the door frame dark brown =)

The painting made me felt giddy and super high becos i was laughing loud at any random things after painting for the whole day....But it was a good experience and supposingly, i was upgraded to the Professional-Painter (well...thats how Ms Poh and Ms Sim call it).

Back to today...
The day ended fast. Susanna came slightly later today cos she was stuck on the expressway. =)
But anw, we were trying to play with my ipod touch during the way home. It was some twilight questionaire game and we were both concentrating on the game that we almost got knock down by a car.

haha...but that was fun. I mean the game was fun not nearly getting knock down by a car.
=)

Ms sim is coming back tmr.. =)
i hope tmr will end as smoothly as today.
No interuptions plz....

9:56 PM

Erm...i still dont understand why the time i post always appeared as 9.56 even when i am posting this at 10 plus..

Well...its pretty frustrating to see that.

9:56 PM

Friendship is seriously something difficult to manage.

Sometimes when you try to save a friendship but you end up neglecting the others..
i guess i am just not professional enough to learn to balance everything...

Well...what can i do if some ppl choose to think that i dont care about her or so.
If you trust me well enough, our friendship will always be there =)

9:56 PM

I want a NEW CAMERA... =)

when can i get it.
i went to spotlight today to buy materials to make gifts for clique and essential teachers.
My budget was 50 bucks but i ended up spending more than i thought.
So i told Cindy that i had to raise my budget to 80 dollars instead.

But i am happy that i can at least start working on this gift already
because i have been procrastinating for the past month..

I promise i will get it done as soon as possible so i can give them out during the release of the olevels results.

I still have work tomorrow
and Miss Sim and Ms Poh wont be back till the coming tues.
but i still have Susanna and Mrs Ong who will accompany me thru the boring hours
so i will keep my mind off some things...

i am glad that that some things are getting back into track
and i think everything is going to be fine soon.
very soon....

9:56 PM

Moving On With My Life =)

10:22 AM

I dont know how long i can hold onto this...
I just have the urge to burst into tears ytd becos i had dificulty controlling my emotions.

Why am landing myself in this pathetic state?
Why must i do this to myself?

I said..
i hate him for standing close beside me...
i hate him for sitting beside me...
i hate him for walking inches away from me..
i hate him for looking into my eyes...
i hate him for smiling and laughing at my stupid actions.
i hate him for asking me about the things i bought.
i hate him for putting the xmas hat gentlely on my head
i hate him for brushing his hands against mine when he reach over to get something.
i hate him when he offer to help me carry things.
i hate him when he comes over to help me carry things.
i hate him for snapping a picture of me or tell me to look at the camera.
i hate him for walking me back home.
i hate him for nudging me..
i hate him when he calls me ah min.
i hate him when he helps me once in a while in a card game.

i hate myself for changing the things i love about him into the the things i hate about him just because i want to hide my feelings for these 2 years.

How long will this vicious cycle take to end?
Liking him----> Forcing myself to stop it----> Liking him

someone plz stop me becos i guess i dun have the strength to do it anymore...
i know i cant force anything to happen but stand quietly from a distance to terminate this feeling.

He is a gentleman and i guess i will find someone someday that will replace his position
But for now...no one could.

11:33 PM

How to stop myself????????

I just cant control myself from looking at him.
The way he smiles at me.
The way he looks at something with great concentration.
The way he stands

i must be crazy...
sigh...two years already.
when will this ever stop...

10:52 PM

I must be mad...I must be so mad.

How could i do this!!!!!!!
I cant let myself fall back into this again or else it will be the FOURTH time already

Was working at essential today
and i was suppose to call his sister to come for tuition
Then i just followed the hp number on the list and dial the number.

Then a guy picked up the phone
I was saying very politely without knowing that it was him on the phone.
" Can i speak to ______ please?"

The moment he went...
" She is not here, i am _______lah"
I knew that feeling came back...
and i was muttering an "Oh-Shit" under my breath.

I realised how important it was to keep a distance from him
I must seriously calm down and stop myself

The limit is here and i cant go any further.
STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT....

10:55 AM

RANDOM RANDOM RANDOM.

Have to start work in 3 more hours.

I WANT A CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mum says we will decide on one after christmas..
I hope she keeps the promise ( she always does)

Ohya....weighed myself today.
I am down by 1.1 Kg.
Woohoo...

Kailun and i were so stupid that we actually took our weights to bet.
Anyway, i told her that if i slim down to 46 Kg before the start of the new year.
She is gg to treat me hell lot of food...muhahahahaha

Its finally after olevels and i wonder why i am still torturing myself like this.

I WANT A BLAZER....
saw many that day when i was out for shopping
but becos i have spent way too much
i decided to not buy anymore on that day. :(

BIRTHDAY COUNTDOWN...7 more days.

11:57 PM

Yeah...its blogging time again...

23rd Nov 2009

I am starting work as a receptionist at Essential Development Centre today =)
Feel kind of weird going back to work.
Been busy all day calling up parents and students to inform them about lots of stuff....
Met some really rude parents who i really hope like scolding them right in their face.
tsk.tsk.tsk.
Packing files in essential is fun
definitely better than staying at the counter.

I guess alot of things have changed when i wasnt working this year
New receptionist. New teachers
Oh my...hate these kind of changes even though i have to face it.
Everything have to start again....
I guess i am not those that can get close to people easily.
Now, i have lots to do to make up to those i have missed including socialising with these new people in my life. Sigh

Ms Poh was pretty excited about the upcoming Xmas Party they decided to hold.
She was like "Eh...you must come hor" to me when i just reach Essential today...xD
I guess i will feel pretty awkward gg to their parties again.
I always feel that i cant fit in well enough becos i dun speak alot in front of them.
Haha...but i do hope there will be steamboat which highly attracts my attention =)
Maybe this party is gg to last through the night again...then i will return home like an zombie again...haha

But its really fun seeing how crazy these tutors can get..
I guess its just another side of them i dun get to see during lesson time

Sigh....i hope i will fit in better this time...i really hope i could.
trying very hard to do so.

=)

7:16 PM

i guess it's been a very long time since i have blog.
fine....i guess tat's better.
at least i can write anything with little people knowing

counting back the number days when we just started off with olevels,
i think i have cried at least 15 times.

for the last three days i have cried 3 times
especially today....
its the first time i have ever tried quarelling with my mum and running out of the house.

I wandered on the streets for three hours thinking to myself.
I just realized how tired i was trying to hold back my tears since i was in sec 1 to now
I dun really know if i am reaching my limits becos it seems that i am feeling a bit lost.
I guess i am really tired, really exhausted to waste my energy to fight back ever again.
becos i think its too painful

My mum told me that i dun care about anything....
My mum says that i am always complaining about her in front of my friends
My mum thinks that i hate her.

But did she ever realized the things i have done without her knowing
she didnt and she never bothered to.

Coming to think of it...i realized how stupid i was...

1. The first time i wanted to be marketing director, the first thing on my mind was to earn alot of money so i could buy her a big house when i grow up but she thinks i am naive

2. The times where i bought her a birthday present but didnt manage to give it to her becos i didnt noe how i should past it to her but she thinks i never buy her present becos i dun care about her.

3. The times where i told my friends how excellent my mum's cooking was and insisted that they must finish everything but she thinks i am complaining about her in front my friends.

4. She thinks i am childish

5. And dun noe still got how many things we have quarrelled over

She never question about my school life
She never did concern about how stress i was...and guess she told me today
Wats the big deal of stress...its what everyone has to go through
Whats the big deal if some of ur friends say things that hurt you....its just shows how bad your relationship with ur friends are.

You think i want all these to happen
What does she know.....
I have no idea

4:44 PM

Looking at jung min is fun...

His nickname is horse lor
and he didnt want to admit that.. haha
He looks a bit guilty after saying he is a unicorn